I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So much rum. So many feels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
