after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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