I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
