i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
