I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
