Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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