i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
