Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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