I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
