So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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