My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
