I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
