Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
