i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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