Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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