if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
