Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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