did you get engaged???
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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