I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We had to coat check the pizza.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
