after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
