I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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