Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
