All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
