I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
