....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
