Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
