woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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