True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
