HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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