I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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