2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
