I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
