Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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