did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
