Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Who died my cat blue again?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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