hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
