when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
