So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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