I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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