Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The beer is more important than you right now.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
