i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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