you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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