I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
