dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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