You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
