did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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