drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
