she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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