I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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