I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
