dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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