sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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