I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
