I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
