capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
