All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
