so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
