I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
