You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.