I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
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I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!