The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!