and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?