she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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