i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
